Dear Amber Waves,

There, there dear. You are not alone. Come, all of you in the CumberCollective who yearn for a simpler time when Benedict just got out of the shower…

*hold on. I need a minute to “think” about this…*

[20 minutes later]

….with freshly wet hair….

*Oh God. Not again*

[5 minutes later]

…and just let it dry into a mop of, well, a brown mop (Asky is rather worn out now, don’t expect much in the metaphor dept).

Let’s put on some Adele and reminisce.

“I heard that you’re…settled down…”

“Old friend…why are you so shy?…”

“Ain’t like you to hold back…”

“Or hide from the light….”

“….I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it. I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t overrrr….”

“Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you, too. DON’T FORGET ME I BEGGED! I REMEMBER YOU SAID sometimes it lasts in love….”

*weeps*

Here, my babies…

No! No Kleenex for you until you fire your stylist! Now get back in that shower, then sit still in Claire Pritchard’s chair and think about what you did!

PS. I still love you. But sometimes it hurts instead….

Dear Leavin’ on a Jet Plane,

• A camera, cuz that’s as close as you’ll really get to the Batch. With a big-ass lens. That’s a technical term, look it up.
• You’re going to need a snack to get you through, so baby carrots it is.  Or, just wait, Benedict will come by with biscuits.
• An iphone charger because Benedict is on his phone A LOT and he’ll need to power up after a while.
• A razor. For Martin. He knows why.
• No need to bring your Twitter account because (altogether now….!) BENEDICT IS NOT ON TWITTER. 
• Bring an ice pack. For your pants.
• On second thought, why bring pants at all? You’re just going to ruin them. All.
• Invest in panty liners.
• Your best I-SWEAR-I-am-not-a-crazy-stalker outfit.  Such as this lovely ensemble (deer stalker not pictured):
  
• A vibrator, because you’ll need it during after watching filming.
• Asky’s phone number. I’d like to speak to Benedict about a project involving me, him, the Belstaff coat and a bar of melted chocolate. In his trailer.
  
  

Love,

Asky

Dear Only on The Blind Banker,

You have come to the right place. Asky is obsessed with well-versed in all things BBC Sherlock, so here are my ideas to make your party a smashing success. Pick and choose items/activities as you wish.

Drinks:
Tea
Cipher Cider
Punch!

Hors d’oeuvres

MyKraft cheese
Harpooned pig (Ham on toothpicks)

Main Entree

Take away
Italian/Chinese food
SMOKED salmon

Hoppin John

Pork AND pasta

A can of beans

It might be too far reaching, but an egg dish (because, Humpty* had a great fall, too. *Yes, I know, Sherlock, Humpty wasn’t originally an egg.)

Dessert
Chocolate (extra PGPR!)
Popovers

Strawberry cake (or anything pink, really)
Candy canes (but you’ll just leave them behind)
Whipped cream

Coffee and Donuts
Cake
Or combine both to make it a Mystrade cake:

If the party is on a Wednesday, you don’t have to eat. You’re good for a bit. You could just play games!

Activities!

Cluedo

Trivial Pursuit (if you know someone like Sherlock and want to beat them, play this because they’ll know nothing in several of the categories)

Drinking games (while watching all the episodes):

    Drink a shot every time Sherlock says “John”

    Drink a shot every time Sherlock insults someone

    Drink a shot every time there’s a Johnlock moment

    Drink a shot every time John licks his lips

    Drink a shot every time John calls Sherlock ‘brilliant’ or ‘amazing’

Play Who Can Get to the Hospital Quicker because now you all have Alcohol Poisoning after 20 minutes of watching “A Study in Pink”!

Ugly sweater contest
Coat Twirling (pre-alcohol)
Guess Where the Inappropriate Moaning Sound is Coming From
Bobbing for Apples
Pin a scarf on the Consulting Detective
Holding Hands while trying to convince everyone else that you’re not gay.

You’re a good friend (platonic, I’m sure),
Asky

Dear Desperate and Conflicted,

You’ve come to the right place….sort of. When Asky was just a wee Advice Columnist, I was the kid that opened her wrapped Christmas presents in secret, then rewrapped them without anyone ever knowing, and I was just as happy on Christmas Day. So, I say SPOILER AWAY!!!

On the other hand, knowing in advance how some plot points are resolved/demonstrated could lead to a feeling of disappointment/dissatisfaction once the shows are aired.

What to do…what to do? I say, ask yourself these questions and if you still haven’t decided, maybe send your query to my competitor, Oprah.tumblr.com.

-What am I okay with knowing in advance?

-What do I ONLY want to know by watching the show?

-With all the [cut for spoiler, but a mode of transportation] and [cut for spoiler, but it’s a kind of facial hair] sightings this week, are they filming CHiPs* instead of Sherlock?

-Would Larry Wilcox look good in a Belstaff?

-How would seeing Benedict now vs seeing him later change things? After all, he looks the same except for the fact that [cut for a spoiler that doesn’t even exist except to make you imagine the WORST THING that could happen to Sherlock’s appearance. It’s a Rorschach test. Or, in Benedict’s case, a RorySlippery test.]

Honor your feelings young Sherlockie. Think about Future Desperate and Conflicted: would she/he be mad at Present Day Desperate and Conflicted for looking at spoilers or would she/he just give up and buy a poster of Ponch and Jon on ebay?

Only you can decide.

Sincerely,
Asky

PS. To soothe your feels, look at it this way: It is likely that some of the things that you would see on the set-lock tag will not make it into the actual airing of the show. And they won’t always be filming outdoors, so it’s not as if you’ll have to endure the frustration of seeing/avoiding set photos/videos every day for the next 3 months.

And…there will be such a goddamfucking long time between filming and actual airing [Asky is not angry. Ahem.], especially if you are in the States [where Asky may or may not be], that you will probably forget all that you have seen in the meantime. There will be plenty of Benedict to content yourself with when Star Trek Into Darkness**, The Desolation of Smaug**, August: Osage County**, The Fifth Estate** and Twelve Years a Slave** come out. They are all slated to come out before Sherlock does, so, there you have it.

*Look it up.
**Do a fucking COMEDY once in awhile, Ben. Shit. I mean…love youuuuu.

Dear Staying Out of It,

Asky is all for doing whatever makes you so happy that you never look up to notice what anyone else does, whatever that means. I read it on a bumper sticker.

While Asky should remain neutral on this blog (except when it comes to HOW HOT IS BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH YOU GUISE?!), perhaps she will admit that stifling any creativity when it wants to come out is a Bad Thing.

So if *I* were inspired in my pants to write and post an RPF, I’d probably just change the name of the person to completely hide their identity, so no one would know!

For instance, if you wanted to write about Benedict Cumberbatch or Martin Freeman, use secret aliases like  YOUR MOMMA or FUCKYOUHEWONABAFTA/Hamish or, my personal favorite “Someone who possesses the following qualities that are QUITE SIMILAR to Benedict Cumberbatch, but I swear it’s not him: Sexy, Jaguar, Sweetheart, Loyal, Has a Penis (Probably, I only saw the filmed version of Frankenstein), Hetero, FUCKING LOOK AT HIS HAIR, DAMN!, Loving, Huggy, Sensitive, Good listener, Likes to Get Naked in Movies” (This alias will help you reach your word count  quickly during NaNoWriMo for sure!).

When using this foolproof method,  a discrete RPF moment could read, “You looked deep into his eyes and then Someone who possesses the following qualities that are QUITE SIMILAR to Benedict Cumberbatch, but I swear it’s not him: Sexy, Jaguar, Sweetheart, Loyal, Has a Penis (Probably, I only saw the filmed version of Frankenstein), Hetero, FUCKING LOOK AT HIS HAIR, DAMN!, Loving, Huggy, Sensitive, Good listener, Likes to Get Naked in Movies kissed you. FUCKYOUHEWONABAFTA was watching and it was HOT. By the way you were in the YMCA shower at the time.”

It works, right? You had NO IDEA it was THEM and the sex scene was STEAMY!

You’re welcome!

Signed,

Asky

Dear Miss AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!

Thank you for contacting Dear Asky.

We regret to inform you that Asky is unavailable to answer any questions or solve problems at the moment because she is dead.

She was discovered in her underground Panic Room, posters of Cumberbatch in swim trunks clawed to shreds; police found her body slumped over a hard drive  which appears to have shorted out and exploded from years of drool and, pardon our boldness, “lady juices”  drowning it.  

Her Last Will and Testament requests that her giant Shock Blanket be cut into individual squares and distributed to members of the Sherlock/Cumberbatch/Freeman fandom. We are also requested to tell a “reapersun” that she loved her.

Let this be a lesson to you all: wipe up after yourselves.

Signed,
Dear Asky Lawfirm of  Waffles, Moffat and Troll

Dear Lucky to Live in London,

Wigs and colored contacts…Learn an accent or two and you’ll be good.

Signed,
Asky